Every time I write an entry like I did last night, I get a bit apprehensive. I immediately want to take it back and apologize for being such a basket case. It’s taking everything in my power not to go and hide it right now. I can’t promise I won’t still do it.

I was just going through my photos on Flickr, and there is one from November 11, 2012, where I’m talking about how the weather feels like Spring. I remember that day. It was in the 70s and I got my last mani/pedi of the year. So, I’ll try not to complain about the cold lingering so much since the warmth obviously lingered for a while last fall. Not making any promises, mind you, but I’ll try.

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I went to bed about 1:30am, and I read until I fell asleep. But then I was up at 5:30am. The “non-working” medication I was complaining about last night finally kicked in apparently!

I do feel a lot better today.

Had an awesome phone call this morning with one of the freelance clients I’m working for. I really like this company and the work and the people I work with a lot. One of the reasons is that I get to use Track Changes in the things I’m editing, and guys…I really like using Track Changes. She asked if I’d be interested and available to take on more work as they go into their busy season. Um… YES and YES. I feel blessed when I get to do work I enjoy and get paid for it too.

So, it’s Monday, and here’s what’s on my plate this week:

01. projects for DSA :)
02. Moksha newsletter
03. babysit tomorrow morning
04. clean Aidan’s room (this is mostly Adam’s job but I’ll do the fiddly-diddly things that he misses)
05. buy “filler” and gifts for Aidan’s Easter basket
06. put away laundry and clean my side of the room
07. teacher training homework
08. possible onsite project for VSA Thursday morning
09. get Aidan from airport Thursday night (this means dinner at Pop’s beforehand. yummy!)
10. make Aidan’s Easter basket
11. buy a few Aidan-specific groceries

It’s a quiet week, so I should be able to do all of this without any trouble. Adam just went off to Ikea to get a new mattress. :) That’s some good stuff. I’ve had the mattress we use now since 2006. I guess it’s time to replace it. We’re getting one with the individually wrapped springs so that when he tosses and turns, I don’t get thrown up to the ceiling.

Oh my God. Am I becoming boring? I just wrote a paragraph about mattresses. That means it’s time to sign off.

Till next time.

miscellany monday at lowercase letters




warning: this entry is not all sunshine and bubbles…i did a backbends workshop yesterday and the results of that are coming up now. cue emotional mess!

Lately, I’ve been feeling….


I’m working on a big freelance project, and even though it’s not very HARD nor particularly time-consuming, it is tricky. And also tedious. And also seems to be never ending. But hey, more money is always good so….

AND I like the company a lot.

I haven’t even STARTED on the April newsletter for Moksha. I need to get on that soon–I have a week to work on it and get it approved. I mean, I can and will DO it, but it would’ve been easier if I’d started on it sooner. Cropping pictures without Photoshop is going to be interesting. I have Gimp but Gimp and I FIGHT. So God help me. I guess I can always use “Preview”.

And I have GOT to get this teacher training non-contact stuff done:

1. thesis (2–3 pages)
2. write up for private lessons (finally had my last one Friday night) (3 short paragraphs, 1 page)
3. book reviews (2)
4. study guide questions (1)

It’s not even that hard. I’m just a self-sabatoger. I seriously could have had most of this stuff done months ago. I suck.

But not for long. I’m going to sit down and knock it all out this–probably Tuesday and/or Wednesday. Then I’m just going to submit everything in a big zip file. And then April 26, I’ll be done with teacher training. And I’m going to make sure I tell them I’m celebrating that at Disney World!


The place was a terrible mess, but it’s much better now. I still need to put my laundry away, but the good news is that it’s clean. I also need to clean my room a bit. The snacks and books have taken over my side again.

We redid the living room. We got rid of the blue couch that Helena attacked (read: pissed on) with full force within the first week we had it, and replaced it with two chairs. We also got a new rug. The chairs are super comfortable, and so far, Helena hasn’t done anything to the chairs but sleep on them or get her toys from under them to play with. Crookshanks is sleeping on one in this picture, though. See him? Now can you spot Fi? hint: Fi is not on a chair!



Tax time is coming really fast. Enough said.
Also, I haven’t heard from one of my biggest clients on whether they’re going to use me this year. That is very nervous making. Without them, I will have to find another big client before summer ends.


Because I’m a self-sabotager who self-sabotages. It sucks. I suck. :(

{insecure & dumb}

I go through this a lot. Those moments when I am convinced that everything I say is stupid, wrong, pointless, and no one cares so I should just take a seat and shut the hell up. I can barely get a sentence out without getting interrupted, but GOD FORBID I interrupt anyone. I feel like I’m constantly pissing people off and making them mad at me. I think people just put up with me because they haven’t anything better to do, that no one really likes me at all. Well, I think Adam likes me, but I know I get on his nerves, too. Hell, *I* get on my nerves. Here’s a sample of the self-talk that goes through my head:

1. Shut up, just shut up. You’re so stupid and NO ONE CARES.
2. I bet none of them really like you. They only put up with you because they have to.
3. OH MY GOD you are so dumb. Seriously, shut the hell up.
4. Look at your fat stomach. You’re disgusting. (This one usually happens when I’m trying on clothes in a fitting room at a store. It gets worse than that if I’m in a particular Victoria’s Secret fitting room with the video monitors that show the models strutting their stuff down the runway. I cannot and will not shop in that store anymore because of that. Other reasons too, but mainly that.)
5. Wow. You’re not good at anything, are you? I mean, you’re OK at some stuff, but you’re not extraordinary at anything. Pathetic.

And then I want to lock myself in the house and hide under the covers and spare the world from my presence. Except Twitter and Tumblr and my blog, apparently.


I didn’t even take all of Jason Crandell’s workshop sessions, but the two I did take (one on back bending, one on forward folding, twisting, and side bends) were quite enough. I did do some poses I’ve never done before, and some I never want to do again! I even did Eka Pada Rajakapotasana II and Dwi Pada Viparita Dandasana. I wasn’t even going to try Dwi Pada Viparita Dandasana, but I did it and it was awesome. Way easier than Urdhva Dhanurasana… but we did do that one about ten times before Dwi Pada Viparita Dandasana. Maybe ANYTHING seems easy after that. Anyway, I would love to soak in a steaming hot tub but the thought of driving out to King Spa tonight is not appealing. Because it’s freaking snowing and given the choice, I’d rather not drive in the snow. So I plan to go tomorrow night instead, after rush hour theoretically dies down. I’m sure I’ll still be sore enough to appreciate the spa pools.


And it sucks when the medication that is supposed to be helping this doesn’t seem to be working.


I LOVE my babysitting gig. The little boy I get to watch is so super cute. I watched him for the first time last Tuesday afternoon. He slept for most of the time, but then he woke up and I went to get him. At first, he looked at me like WTF. But then I picked him up and held him and he just cuddled and cuddled and cuddled. I LIKE that. I miss the weight of a little one cuddling against me. I cuddle with Aidan, but Aidan’s all bones now. It hurts sometimes!1 One-year-old babies are soft and squishy. I can’t believe I get paid to cuddle a squishy little boy!


Aidan is going to be here in a few days! I completely cleared my calendar so I can spend the entire Spring Break with him, despite the best efforts of the universe. I swear, every time I try to just… make space, a million people/clients/jobs suddenly need me for this or that. Most of the time, I go ahead and take it because well, money! But, this time, I’m setting some boundaries. It is always nice to make money, but I need to spend time with my boy.2


I should head to bed soon. See if I can sleep away some of these blues.

Till next time….

  1. Oh don’t get me wrong. I’ll still cuddle the hell out of some Aidan. As long as he’ll let me, at least!
  2. I’ll work from home, of course. And if the babysitter calls, I’ll help her out. I can bring Aidan with me, which is AWESOME. Double the cuddles!!!!


Nothing Says Procrastination Like Blogging!

Spring 2011 Blossoms

I picked a photo I took in the Spring of 2011 because I am SO READY for that now. It’s still cold outside, here. Cold and grey, and the wind kicks pretty hard. I know we didn’t even have a bad winter, but I’m still ready for it to be GONE. It’s March 14, for the love of sweet baby Jesus. Spring’ll be here in six days, not that you’ll ever be able to tell here. If the high DOES get above 40F, we’re also treated with a side dish of rain. But mainly, the temps have hovered in the mid-30s to mid-40s with no indication they’re moving from that any time soon. That photo from above was taken in May of 2011. I worry that I have at least two more months of cold to endure. WAH.

Most people like it cold because they say you can always add more layers. But there gets to be a point where a ton of layers makes me look like the marshmallow man and they’re bulky and uncomfortable. I have a high heat threshold and very little tolerance for cold–I actually get ANGRY when I get too cold. So given the choice? I’ll take the heat over the cold any day. The cold seriously feels like an assault on my body. I have to tense all up and shrink into myself, and it never works. Even when it’s in the 40s I have to wear layers and layers to stay warm, and it usually only lasts for a few minutes before I’m cold again. It sucks to always be freezing while everyone else says they’re fine or even hot.

At least the trees kinda LOOK like they may start to bud soon–the branches are starting to get bumpy. I wonder how much of that is my imagination, though. The lilac bush around the corner looks as dead as ever. I’ll know Spring is really here when I can smell those beautiful lilacs.


That’s what they look like when they’re blooming and smelling amazing. That photo was taken April 2012.

The sidewalks are covered in dog poo because people obviously can’t be bothered to clean up after their dogs. 1 It’s really gross. I mean, there’s always at least one pile of dog poo per block, but this is really out of hand. I almost took a photo today but thought better of it. You’re welcome.

Tuesday night was really good. Wonderful food, good company, and good times!


Wednesday was good as well. Spent all afternoon and evening in Naperville. I was cold, but I managed to have a good time anyway. I had dinner at Noodles & Co. I love their Wisconsin mac & cheese, and I get the crusted parmesan chicken on it. I added a caesar salad for $1, and they have one of those cool now drink machines. I get the water and flavor it with cherry or grape. :) It was yummy!

My newest freelance project is underway and it’s not as hard as I anticipated. It’s kind of tedious, but it’s not the worst job I’ve ever done. I’ve been working 1/2 days at VSA, and that’s been going well. And things are going well with my new client, too.

Mercury Retrograde cannot be over soon enough. This is the worst one I’ve ever experienced. Last night, my friend Andy texted me and asked why I didn’t respond to his email. I checked my inbox and HIS EMAIL WASN’T THERE. This morning, I happened to peek into my junk email folder and found a bunch of emails from the past nine days that I have NEVER indicated should be junk and had never been marked as such before. Important email from Moksha, mail from friends. Meanwhile, every single Old Navy and Target email is steadily coming through. I was like WTF. Then I checked the spam folders–found out I’d missed a deadline on something because the email went to spam when it had no business. I am not sure what gmail’s problem is but they need to fix it! Fortunately, I was able to get the thing to the client in plenty of time, but that is seriously distressing. I spent my lunch hour setting up filters to keep this from happening again. I’ve never had to worry about this before. I like to use an email client on my computer–lately it’s been Outlook–because I don’t always want to log in to gmail. But because of this latest glitch, I think I’m going to have to go back to logging in on the web too so I can check those other folders. Because even though I have IMAP, the new labels aren’t showing up in my Outlook. FRUSTRATING. Maybe I’ll see what happens with Thunderbird again. I’ve been bouncing around email clients for a while ever since I switched computers and MacMail is being weird.

Today, I met with a family that I will start babysitting for soon. How exciting is that? I get to watch a 12 month old with the coolest name, and he is so sweet, with totally nibble-able cheeks and an adorable little grin. I’m looking forward to spending time with him. There is also a four year old I’ll get to watch as well. The cool thing is that they live walking distance from me, and Aidan is welcome to come along with me on jobs! I get my baby fix, Aidan gets to play with other kids, and the four year old gets an older boy to look up to. Win win all around. I’m actually really excited about this!

I *think* I might be able to sleep in a bit tomorrow. I made my deadlines, and I have a little bit of breathing room. VSA doesn’t need me until the afternoon, and then I’ll be busy in the evening with a workshop, and then coming home to do more work. Saturday, I am attending a thesis workshop, and Sunday I’ll be working. Monday as well, and Tuesday, and Wednesday! That work’ll be from home, though. Unless I go to a coffee shop which I doubt because frankly, no establishment ever keeps it warm enough for me. Which is why I work in my living room most often unless I have to be onsite. I FEEL more productive at a desk or a table, but my couch is more comfortable. And I have blankets and space heaters and kitty cats.

Adam got really sick the other night. He came out of the room shivering with his teeth chattering asking me to take his temperature. He was burning up. :( He’s been recovering, but he still has swollen glands and a sore throat. I’m feeling weird now… really hoping I’m not getting what he has/had. I really don’t have time to get sick right now.

Anyway, I am off to bed. Crookshanks just hit the litter box so that’s my cue. While I desperately long for Spring, I’ll look at more flowers.

Spring 2011 Blossoms

Till next time….

  1. Why even GET a dog if you’re not going to do everything you need to do to take care of it? I hate scooping the litter boxes but I do it because it’s better for all of our sakes.


Back To Myself


Ah. I feel so much more like myself today and let me tell you, THAT is a relief. I got to work in an office I enjoy, and I got to catch up with friends I haven’t seen in months and I even saw someone from my past life at Ogilvy. It was cool to see him! Sometimes I guess I just need some good energy to help clear out the cobwebs in my brain.

My sleep schedule has become way more conventional in the past few weeks. Disney World helped do that. It’s weird to wake up at 6am and think to myself “Wow, I can sleep for another two and a half hours!” (It helps to live very close to the offices I typically commute to, or in most cases, have the office in my living room.) I woke up feeling well-rested this morning and definitely less cranky. And I was greeted at the bedroom door by little Fi again. He must hear me moving around when I am getting ready so he goes to wait for me, and when I open my door, he’s sitting or standing there looking up at me. So sweet and cute.

He’s curled up beside me right now. :)

Last night, Adam made chicken nuggets from a recipe he got from YouTube, I think. They’re to mimic the Chick-Fil-A nuggets. He does a really good job with them, and they taste AWESOME. But then the leftover cooking smell drives me bananas 1. I diffused some lavender essential oil (I am anxious to receive the purification oil) and then I had to burn two incense sticks. Deep-fry smell lingers and lingers and gets onto everything. I’m not a fan. My friend Jen is the same way. She cannot stand cooking smells. I don’t mind them WHEN cooking is taking place. But once I’m done eating, get it away. I’m the same with strong food smells. Stew? Ketchup? Beef n Noodles? Get it away from me when I’m done or I’ll get nauseated. It’s weird.

Anyway, I’m not even sure how I got on that topic. I really just wanted to write and report that I’m feeling so much better today. OK then. Til next time! :)

  1. Unless it’s bacon. I’m surprisingly very OK with the place smelling like bacon all the time


Angst, Angst, More Angst

Crabapple Tree

Sometimes I feel so silly. I swear, I’ve been nothing but dumb the past few weeks, and verbalising it and beating myself up out loud. Saying things like “I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I said/did/thought that.” I don’t know why I’m doing this. I want to call myself stupid for doing it. And I probably will.

For example. Right now I’m pretty tired and wondering how the hell I’m going to manage a full day in the office and then an evening out with friends tomorrow. Then I had to sit here and remind myself: “Oh wait, it’s the end of the day, of course I’m tired. I’ll get a decent night’s sleep (cats willing) and I’ll be good to go in the morning. DUH.” And if not, there’s always these guys:


Coming off of a weekend that was 80% annoying and 20% OK, I’m kicking off a pretty busy couple of weeks. Workshops, working THREE freelance jobs, and commitments every evening this week, except tonight, but tonight I was working so….

But now I’m done working for the day. It’ll be time for me to bathe and head to bed soon, and I hope that the cats aren’t obnoxious so I can actually get some sleep. At least I’ll be at the place with the free apple juice and oranges. But I’ll probably spend most of my time in the free candy drawer.

It seems like I go through these times where I’m doing nothing but eating candy and playing video games, and then I go through times when I am so busy it’s a miracle I don’t have a nervous breakdown. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve taken on too much and I’m 99% sure I’m going to give up one of my commitments within the next couple of months. I don’t like to do that but I think I have good enough reasons:

1. I don’t really like it. I resent it when I have to do it, and I dread it when I see it on my schedule.
2. It’s volunteer, so I’m not even getting paid for it, although I am getting things in exchange for it. But I’m beginning to think it’s worth my sanity for me to just PAY for the things instead.
3. The resentment of *that* thing is spilling into other aspects of that life, and I don’t like that. Because most of the other stuff is just fine.
4. When I am busy, I am busy, and that’s the one thing I can always see sacrificing and being totally OK with it.
5. I’m picking up new paid gigs all the time. I’d rather devote more time to that.

I’ve been feeling off, and I wonder if that’s because of the Daylight Savings Time combined with Mercury Retrograde and also coming off the high of Disney World (I do know that I owe you some more trip report posts!)… all I want to do is curl up with a good book, chocolate, some chips, and a big glass of Tang.

And because I’ve been feeling off, I’m not resigning from that post just yet–it could just be a passing thing. We’ll see how it goes.

Right now, I feel like the depression is trying to take hold again and I’m too damn tired and overwhelmed to fight it.

BUT I’m going to see an old friend tomorrow night after working onsite for a client, and we’re going to eat in a very yummy restaurant. Also, Golden Boy will be recording for me on the TiVo. I get to go out to Naperville on Wednesday, and Thursday I’m going to meet a family I’m potentially going to babysit for occasionally. I’ve got the rest of the Twilight movies coming for me in the mail and I plan to have a marathon once I’m done turning in all my teacher training stuff. (THAT should give me the motivation to finally get shit done.) The official first day of Spring is 10 days away (even though you wouldn’t know it by the 30F weather and snow here), and it smells like popcorn in my apartment. And Fi has been curled up by my feet almost all day and evening. (I guess that tells you where I spent the majority of my day.) So there are GOOD things and I’m usually so good at focusing on them. It’s just been much harder lately for some reason.

Right now, I’m craving something warm and sweet and yummy and comforting. Like Cream of Wheat and bacon, or apple crumble. Also a hot bath. So I’m going to do at least one of those things.


miscellany monday at lowercase letters

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