i confess part 2


i confess… sometimes i look through old photos and miss some parts of the life i used to have. not the entire life. because life now is pretty darn sweet and there were things going on back then that i do NOT ever want to live through again. here is what i do miss: having the big house, hanging out with certain friends from 2004–2005 (most who no longer speak to me, some due to genuinely falling out of touch, others i suspect purposefully), being a short drive from so many state parks, no sales tax on groceries, and a 6% sales tax overall (so cheap!), marone’s italian villa, el vaquero, le chatelaine, eating bob evans any time i wanted, being able to drive without feeling like i was in a race for my life in the midst of big black suvs driven by backwards-baseball-cap-wearing dudebros or tiny ladies with ponytails (although in ohio, it was all about pick up trucks so i don’t know if that was much better), seeing stars at night, how tiny i was (i was about 105lbs. and i thought i had a fat stomach. pssh. would love to go back to that and stay there).

i confess… that although i miss things about living in columbus, i don’t want to move back there. and there are things i love about chicago. things like moksha yoga, molly’s cupcakes, block 37, butterfly sushi, shopping….

i confess… sometimes i wish my hair was straight. like this:

New Hair!
my last really good relaxer…
back in freaking 2005

but… then i look at my hair on a good day and go “no way, dude. i wouldn’t trade what i have for the world.” it’s just a weird phase i go through from time to time. i am never relaxing my hair again, and i haven’t straightened it since 2011. i don’t even know how long it really is.

look at my hair here!
why would i want to mess with that????
god bless coconut oil.

i confess… i lie awake some nights fretting over dumb ass things i did many years ago. i’m sure the people involved have forgotten all about some of that stuff..or maybe not—it would explain why some of them aren’t speaking to me—but i bet they don’t stay up for hours tossing and turning over that stuff like i still do. i wish i could just cut out those parts of my memories and throw them away forever.

i confess… sometimes i lie awake for hours spinning elaborate daydreams about “my dream life”. my dream life involves way more disney world trips, a warmer climate, a big house, trees, a dog, cats who actually use their litter boxes 100% of the time, a private yoga instructor who comes to my house every day, two walk in closets just for me, a jacuzzi, lots of money… yeah.

i confess… i miss big, huge, christmas celebrations. adam’s just not into christmas like i am, so until i’m around aidan and my mom, i feel very lonely during the holiday season. he just doesn’t understand why i go gung ho with decorations and wrapping gifts and holiday music and the specials. omg the specials. especially how the grinch stole christmas.

I Love Christmas!
hmm, 1983. that means i was nine here.
holy shit. this picture is nearly 30 years old.
but see how happy i am?
cause mommy made christmas special.
she still does. :)

now… celebrating thanksmas (yes, we sometimes combine christmas and thanksgiving, what!) with adam’s family is amazing and reminds me of when i was a little girl. they really go out of their way to make it a special double holiday! big meal, yummy desserts, lots of presents, lots of pictures, a big tree… thanksmas is amazing and reminds me a lot of my mom making christmas super special for my sister and me.

Family Pictures
family pic from thanksmas 2011

i’ve already started christmas shopping in my brain and by way of making/updating amazon wishlists. :)

i confess… sometimes, i think i want to do *real* acting, but i’m terrified. and i think i’m too ugly to be onscreen. and my voice is weird. and my body isn’t a ten. and did i mention i’m terrified? i learned about the auditioning process at a workshop i attended a few weeks ago. that made me even more scared. but i don’t think i have to worry about it because i don’t think i’ll ever get an audition…. oh right, and i am pretty sure i’ve lost all the acting skills i used to have when i was in high school and college. which means taking acting classes. which i doubt i’ll commit to over the winter. jeez. i suck.

i confess… i miss being kinda fearless. i used to write unabashedly. i used to go for it with acting and drama and stuff. now? i’m more likely to talk myself out of everything and hide in my room behind a thick book.

i confess… most of the time, i like it when i have the place to myself while adam’s working a double tour. there are some people who don’t like to be separated from their partners ever ever ever. that’s not me. i think i just like the quiet time to do whatever i want without judgement (real or imagined) or feeling like i’m inconveniencing someone.

i confess… aidan is growing up so fast. he’s already nearly eleven. i remember when i was that age, girls in my class were getting serious boobs. i’m sure he has questions about things. as my friend ryan says, he probably knows a lot more than i think. i know i’m going to have to sit him down and talk to him about really serious stuff, and i’m so nervous. i want to teach him so much. i want him to rise above this rape culture we live in and be a gentleman. respectful. but still cool. right? so how do i even go about that? i am so not ready for those hormones to kick in on him. i am already missing my little boy.

ok, this was sort of long. thank you, those of you who stuck with it and read all of this. i feel a bit lighter now, at any rate.

till next time….


taking stock.


Making: a mental list of things to pack for ohio and things to do before ohio. and another header for my blog. i just can’t get satisfied!

Cooking: nothing right now because as usual, i can’t decide what i want to eat for dinner.

Drinking: zevia ginger ale. ginger ale is the only pop i allow myself to drink.

Reading: harry potter and the deathly hallows. again.

Wanting: my pink combat boots to arrive already.

Looking: at my computer screen.

Playing: lego harry potter years 5-7 on the 3ds.

Wasting: time. always time.

Wishing: i could decide what to eat.

Enjoying: these relaxing days i’ve been having.

Waiting: to see my mommy and cousins next week.

Liking: new music on my playlist. and ios7. it’s so cute.

Wondering: when disney will put out its winter/spring 2014 promotions.

Loving: my family.

Hoping: that adam doesn’t make me drive the whole way to ohio. also that the leaves have started changing colors. i want to take some pictures!

Marveling: life in general.

Needing: to figure out what i should have for dinner. i actually want sushi but the hermit in me doesn’t want to go pick it up. i know, it’s bad.

Smelling: skin.

Wearing: pink leggings and a shirt with dancing bananas on it.

Following: too many blogs.

Noticing: anything plaid. boots and bags.

Knowing: it’s going to be getting cold soon and i don’t like that. but i have autumn to get through first, so that’s good. our leaves haven’t even started changing yet.

Thinking: about things to do next week.

Bookmarking: nothing.

Opening: nothing.

Giggling: some gifs on tumblr. people are crazy on that site.

Feeling: a little tired and hungry.

what can I say? illy has the best posts. she got it from here. :)

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i confess.

Morton Arboretum Autumn 2012

i confess… that my internet connection is driving me bananas. everything is taking ages to load. every site has these huge dynamic images and infinite scroll and my connection is like “i’m just going to sit here and spin my wheels for five minutes wheee!” it’s not my computer. i just got the thing in february. all my software is up to date. i’ve tried different browsers. same issues. and i know it’s the connection because sometimes it fixes itself for a few minutes and works great. then it messes up again. and some of the work i do? completely internet-based. this needs to resolve itself NOW. (I know I know, first world problems blah blah blah….)

i confess… part of the reason i’m excited to visit my mom soon is that i’ll get to eat breakfast at bob evans. i haven’t had bob evans for nearly a year! okay, that’s not true. i’ve been eating the sausage that i have to cook–but it’s not the same as getting it from the restaurant. although it is close.

i confess… i am not completely happy with my blog header at the moment. it’s the same one i used last autumn… i want something simpler but not too simple.

i confess… i kinda suck at designing anything for my blog.

i confess… that as much as i used to love the disney channel, it’s getting to a point where i can’t stand it now. everything is too sharp and bright and it hurts my ears and brains. was it always like this? i don’t think so. i don’t remember mmc being so… jarring.

i confess… that i feel like i’m floundering. my loyola work is starting to settle down. i want to do stuff like go out and take pictures or travel or even go to the library or grocery store but then my energy level plummets and i’m like “lol just kidding time for sleep.” i just feel… blah. like, so much is happening inside me, but it’s too far away for me to get a grip on it. but it’s close enough that it’s weighing me down.

i confess… that i often feel awkward, ugly, and dumpy. even when i put on my cute new clothes (and boots) and makeup, i look often in the mirror and go “ugh. wow, god. ugh.” my eyes go straight to the flaws. trying to take a selfie with the back camera on the iphone? god bless us everyone. the funny thing is that people have been telling me lately, more so than i’m used to hearing, a lot of really nice things about my appearance. i don’t know why it’s so hard to believe them most of the time.

i confess… my hair has been awesome though. soaking it in coconut oil and then keeping it in braids for one or more nights is like…the best thing ever. i love how it smells and it makes my hair so pretty. coconut oil is amazing.

i confess… i think autumn colors are so beautiful and i’ve been obsessed with looking at the autumn-themed tumblrs. there are tons of them and the photos they post/reblog are gorgeous. my own tumblr is starting to take on that fall-like mood as well.

i confess… i have been super lazy in regards to my yoga practice. and adam did all the laundry so there really is no excuse. i have clean yoga clothing now.

i confess… i feel like i’m turning into a grumpy old lady. :( that’s not the way i want to be. i’m so sensitive to everything now. noises. smells. bright lights. loud music and television (even more so than usual). i just want to hide in my bedroom and read. the mere thought of interacting with a lot of people overwhelms me. i make myself do it when i have to, but lately, i’ve been avoiding most social interaction.

i confess… i go through this every few years. i spend some time, about one or two years, being very social and very busy (hello, yoga teacher training and workshop management!), and then i shut completely down and keep to myself. the last time i was like this was in 2007. it’s weird.

what are your confessions?

post inspired by ilene at much love, illy.


30 week blog challenge – week 3: favorite tv shows

This week, Marie asks us what our favorite TV shows are. I don’t watch a lot of TV. I get most of my media fix from books or the internet (damn you, tumblr. I can think of only one show I like to watch, and that’s not even on all the time, and that show is Doctor Who.

doctor-who-logo-blackWhen Adam first started watching Doctor Who, I just didn’t get into it. He started with the Eccleston episodes (the Ninth Doctor), and well, it seemed that every episode started with screaming. I have issues with screaming that isn’t fun screaming. And this screaming was never fun.

But then the season went on, and I would find myself taking glimpses at the television. And then the episode The Empty Child came on, and I found myself very entertained by it. I still wasn’t a convert until sometime when David Tennant became the Tenth Doctor, though. But when Matt Smith became the Eleventh Doctor, I kind of fell in love.

For a while, I had this habit of starting TV shows then just giving up on them. I was gung ho about Gossip Girl, but sometime during second season, I ran out of time and interest. My DVR was out of control and something had to give. Sometimes a show will give up on me. Earlier this year, I loved the cop show Golden Boy, but CBS cancelled it after just a few episodes. I don’t even watch cop shows, but this one was different. It was more character driven rather than situational driven, and I was loving the chemistry between the actors. Sadly, CBS holds more value in shows like Two Broke Girls (which I hate) than really good shows with great content.

Which is fine. I don’t mind having less TV to watch. And Adam watches enough for both of us.

I did watch a lot of TV when I was growing up. Even through adulthood. I set my days of the week by which shows were coming on that night. Some of my favorites from the past include Punky Brewster, Silver Spoons, Webster, Mr. Belvedere, Who’s the Boss, Full House, Family Matters, Perfect Strangers, Amen, 227, Golden Girls, The Cosby Show, A Different World, The Charmings, Different Strokes, Roseanne, Hunter, Quantum Leap, Small Wonder, The Mickey Mouse Club, Arrested Development, Make It or Break It, The O.C., Queer as Folk, Sex and the City (duh, my son is named Aidan), and many many more.

I used to watch some reality TV. I was so into Big Brother, and I loved, loved, loved America’s Top Model before it turned all crazy. I used to also enjoy What Not To Wear, and I enjoy certain cooking shows. When I was pregnant with Aidan, I tortured myself with episodes of A Baby Story. If I catch an episode of House Hunters, I’ll watch it happily. Don’t let there be a marathon. Hello! I was also a big fan of Tia & Tamera for a while there. Every once in a while I’ll get sucked into an episode of Dance Moms or something like that. But I don’t seek out reality TV.

My sister was more into the cartoons. She loved all of them. With the exception of Popeye (especially the super old black and white ones) and the Flintstones, I really only cared for the rare cartoon specials. Like the rare episode of Strawberry Shortcake or Rainbow Brite, or the Charlie Brown holiday specials. I did not care for the Smurfs, and I thought Looney Toones was too much. I liked Woody Woodpecker, though, but it wasn’t until I got older that I really appreciated Tom & Jerry.

I think I get frustrated with TV now because it’s so homogenous. When I was growing up, there was a lot more diversity. Entire shows with casts of color and no stereotypical bullshit. Black people were professionals, their children were going to college, and the parents were active and caring for their children. Now, everything is quirky with a few actors of color on the fringes, with thinly veiled racism or stereotyping, and I’m so BORED with it.

OR everything is paranormal and dark. Adam LOVES Breaking Bad. I refuse to watch it. I can hear the screaming from the other room and I have to put on headphones. Game of Thrones is another one that seems way too violent for me. I don’t even know what else is popular now–I ignore most of the stuff that pops up on my Twitter and Facebook feed when people are talking TV shows.

I don’t judge other people for watching lots of TV. I know that’s how they escape, just like how mine is the internet and books. It’s just not my first choice for entertainment these days.

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so far this year….


1. Have you had more than 5 different boyfriends/girlfriends?
Um, no.

2. Have you had your birthday?
Nope. Will have that December 20.

3. Been to church?

4. Cried yet?

5. Been to the movies yet?
No. Waiting for Catching Fire! :)

6. Stayed up all night?

7. Drank Starbucks?
No. I only drink Starbucks once a year or every other year. It’s like a way special treat for me.

8. Gone shopping?

9. Been camping?

10. Been to the beach?

11. Bought something for over $200?

12. Met someone new?
Yes. Tons of new people.

13. Been out of state?
Yes. Florida and Iowa.

14. Gone snowboarding?

15. Kissed someone?

16. Slept in someone else’s bed?

17. Snuck someone over?

18. Snuck out?
No. I love being a grown-up.

19. Been to a bar?
Does filming a movie in a bar count?

20. Lied?

21. Got in a car?

22. Been called a tease?

23.Loved anyone?

24. Done something you regret?
Sure. Don’t ask me what, though. I try to block such things out of my mind.

25. Last person you hugged?

26. Last person to call you?

27. Last time you took a bath?
That reminds me! It’s been a while. I’ve been doing showers. A bath is in order!

28. When was the last time you felt stupid?
I’m sure it was recently, but it’s blocked from my mind.

29. Who was the last person who saw you cry?
Not sure. I don’t think anyone witnessed it.

30. Who was the last person who made you cry?
It wasn’t a person, it was because Aidan was going back to OH.

31. Who was the last person you danced with?
Remember the film shoot I referenced in #19? Some fellow background actors.

32. What did you do today?
Slept in, shopped, read, and now I am up late doing this survey thing. :)

The last time I did this was in 2007. It’s cool how some of my answers have changed!

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