Greg is Weird

On April 30, 2015, my stepfather passed away.

I still haven’t fully processed it, because I can’t believe it’s real.

And sometimes I do remember it’s real, and it’s like a punch in the gut. And yet, I smile because I don’t want to make anyone else cry, even though I’m crying inside.

My mom and Greg started dating in 1995. He’d actually written her a note asking her out, so I tease her about it all the time saying he gave her a note that said “Do you like me? Check yes or no.”

Apparently, it worked. They got married in June of 2000. They eloped to Vegas, which was not even surprising, knowing them. I was so happy for them.

From the beginning, he treated me like his own. He knew the perfect gifts to give me for holidays. He and my mom flew me out to Las Vegas for my 30th birthday and paid for everything. It was crazy. He’d give me a $10 bill and tell me to get him a pop and keep the change. It was years later that I realized that was his way of giving me spending money, because while you’re gambling, beverages are free! And he was always gambling! He gave me money for the slot machines. I am not a risk-taker, so I’d win $2-3 and then quit. I was richer when I came back than I was when I landed.

I remember one Christmas, he woke my mom and me up at 3am because he was SO EXCITED for Christmas to start. And then the power went out. We opened gifts at 3am by candlelight and I was so scared the wrapping paper would catch a flame and we’d burn down the whole building.

He walked me down the aisle when I married Chris. I remember being a bit nervous to ask him. My mom said he got choked up. Then he said he’d be “honored” to do it.

He said “oinky the badoinky” instead of “poop.” He always made a sad crying noise when I had to leave Ohio and go back to Chicago or wherever.

He fed the animals that come up on their balcony. He bought entire loaves of bread for the squirrels and birds, and now they come to the door and look in, waiting. The past few days, it’s been Aidan and me feeding them. My mom will take over when we head back.

He spoiled my mom rotten. Whatever she wanted and he could get for her, he did. I could have loved him for that alone.

I never realized it, but now I know that he would have done anything for me, had I only asked. I just never had to ask.

But I guess I can’t ask him to come back.

RIP Greg. I know you’re playing the most awesome poker game and winning ALL the money! Thank you for being a dad to me and thank you for taking such good care of my mommy.

taking stock part 2

The last time I did this, it was more than a year ago. Time really does fly.

Untitled
kinda how i’m feeling right now

cooking: nothing right now but i may make myself a bit of spaghetti because i’m hungry and spaghetti is yummy.

drinking: water

reading: living violet by jaime reed. again. i really love that series of books.

wanting: an ipod touch. i’m scared someone will steal my ipod classic and try to sell it for thousands of dollars so i won’t go anywhere with it anymore.

looking: at my computer screen.

playing: a million match 3 games, and also criminal case. all facebook/ipad/iphone games.

wasting: time. always time.

wishing: i didn’t feel like such a loser. that i was super duper wealthy. that i could finish writing this book and be done with it.

enjoying: the christmas tree.

waiting: for packages to arrive.

liking: that criminal case game on facebook. which surprises me. i resisted playing it for a long time.

loving: the dailey method and how it makes me feel.

hoping: i can get my flat tire fixed soon.

smelling: old taco wrappings because adam did not throw away his dinner trash.

wearing: mickey mouse pajamas. with feet! and a hood with mickey ears!

noticing: christmas trees, decorations, lights…i love them.

thinking: about all the work i have to do to get my hair to look presentable tomorrow.

feeling: tired and a little cranky.

Meh. This was depressing. Sorry.

unsettled.

Morton Arboretum 2013

Monday was a weird day. I worked onsite at VSA, but there wasn’t a lot for me to do. I ripped a hole in my infinity scarf because it got caught in my coat zipper and I didn’t have the patience to try to work it out. I got some really sad news about a friend which shattered my heart. Spent some time talking to another friend and digging deep into some things in my past that I hadn’t allowed myself to explore for a long time. That shook things up even more. Then I came home and listened to music and studied my scene again. Watched some Divergent footage; promos are ramping up for it big time. Now I’m sitting here, my mind racing because for some reason I just can’t settle down and go to bed even though I’m tired.

My stomach’s been upset the past several days. Just a tummy ache that comes and goes. Nothing seems to be able to fix it.

Found new music that I love ONE DAY TOO LATE. I fell in love with the band Odesza Saturday. Darned if they weren’t in town Friday night. But, the good part is that I was looking all over so I could buy their music–and realized that had it all up for free on SoundCloud. So even though I got on the Odesza boat one day too late, I didn’t miss out on getting all the songs.

I have to be up early for a massage, which will be pleasant. I’m not sure how late I will be out, because Adam wants to get lunch or something, and I also have acting class. Last week, acting class went until almost midnight. This week, I hope it doesn’t go that late because it’s possible they will need me at VSA Wednesday and Thursday. Yay money and nice people and free snacks. I really am glad they call me in all the time. And I guess if it does go late, there is always Red Bull to keep me up the next day. The sell the blueberry one in the store at the building VSA is in, so there’s that.

But acting class. I’ve been studying my role. A LOT. I’ve pretty much got the lines down pat, but I’m counting on my partner to know his lines so I can respond to them like I want emotionally. He and I haven’t rehearsed together as much as I’d like to. Everyone’s busy. Our manual says we have to take responsibility for our own crap, so I’ve been doing a lot of work on my own. I know Ed’s gonna make us do the scene and he’s always really hard on my scene partner which means he’s going to be hard on me too by association. I’m going back and forth between being really excited to perform the scene to thinking “Wtf am I doing?” What if all the stuff I’ve been practicing on my own flies out the window and I get up there and look like a total idiot? What if I end up doing the whole scene sounding like Roz from Monsters, Inc. and I get kicked out subsequent workshops? Then I’ll be devastated because I’ll know for sure that I’m not special. That I’m just mediocre at a bunch of things but not great at any one thing, which is why I’m 39 years old and I don’t have an established career or own a home and my car doesn’t work and I live in a city that I hate half the time because I just have no clue where the hell I fit in this world and what I’m supposed to do to get there.

I feel like a bunch of stuff’s been stirring up inside me with no indication of settling down any time soon. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. I want to scratch my skin off. I just found a bunch of old pictures from a few years ago that are disgusting me because I look so out of shape and gross in them. I just spent a bunch of money on makeup so I can feel pretty again because right now I feel so ugly and have for a long time. I’m missing my yoga community but I can’t drag myself to the studio. Maybe yoga would help me on more than one level. Except it keeps getting so super cold out. And my car is out of commission and also falling apart so I probably need to get rid of it even though I loathe to do so. I’m tired of making Adam drive me everywhere especially when I CAN FUCKING WALK to Moksha. And Mercury is going into retrograde this week which is ALL I need right now.

So yeah. That’s the state of me these days. A hot mess. But what else is new? I’ll probably be like this until summer. And I feel so shitty about all this because I personally know people who are dealing with much worse and I feel like my stupid depression is just… stupid and uncalled for.

*sigh*

OK, that’s enough out of me. I need to try to sleep but I doubt it’ll happen.

Peace.

Raw and Real

WARNING: Venting Ahead. Proceed at your own risk!!

I Am Not Amused

I am typically pretty positive on my blog. I *try* to be a positive person. Aadil Palkhivala says to “look for the gold” so that I won’t be focusing on the dirt around me. It was the MAIN thing I took from the workshop I had with him in September of last year, and it’s how I’ve been trying to live my life since then.

It’s not easy. I am, by nature, pessimistic and negative. I think it has to do with the fact that I grew up in innercity Cleveland, land of cynicism and angst. I’d say something cheesy like “I saw a rainbow last night” and someone would say “OMG STFU.” Everything I liked was grounds to be made fun of. and I was so wishy washy. I didn’t want to be made fun of so I’d pretend to like the things they did. Or I’d hide the stuff I really liked. (I didn’t hide my love for New Kids on the Block and I caught hell for it. To this day, the fact that fandoms exist for everything and there are theoretically safe spaces for me to go and explore things I’m interested in still kind of blows my mind.) So, I had to act more cynical and bitter than I really felt, and eventually a lot of it just became a part of ME. Medication helps with that, though, and yoga. And Aadil’s advice of looking for the gold. Also, setting boundaries and keeping myself distanced from people who are super negative helps as well.

But sometimes, despite all that, I just have to be mad. I just have to be raw, I just have to be real. I’ve kept this blog so sweet the past few years…and I’m ready for it to be more ME, you know?

It doesn’t mean it’s going to turn into a rant dump or anything like that. But I am going to stop hiding all the not-so-sweet-and-pretty things all the time.

Anyway.

Y’all. This week has gotten on my last nerve! I guess it started Saturday, when I was taking down my holiday decorations (which already had me in an off mood), and Aidan was insistently asking me a question about the theory of evolution (don’t even ask). I was so focused on answering him that I ended up dropping one of my Mickey Mouse ornaments.

Mickey ornament casualty. :(

As you can see, it shattered. :( It’s not that big of a loss I suppose–I mean, I have a whole set. Two more reds, two more greens, and one more silver. And at least it wasn’t my banana ornament, right?

Then Sunday, Aidan flew back to Ohio. Thank God he was in a good mood or else it would have been terrible. HIS mood always determines my mood and if he cries, it’s all over for me. But the fact is that well, he’s in Ohio now and not here with me and that sucks.

I started playing LEGO Harry Potter on the Wii Monday. I was doing awesomely until I got to the Riddle’s Diary section in Year 2. It’s a damned timed puzzle and I’m just not coordinated enough with the remotes to solve the puzzle before the strength potion runs out. After hours of trying, I just turned the game off. It took everything in me to not throw the remote at the screen and burst into tears. I know, what am I, 8 years old instead of 38 years old? Pathetic.

Either I need Adam to do the second player for me so I can get the timing right, or I’ll need Aidan to beat that level for me when he comes back next month. OR I can waste more hours trying, except I have a butt load of you know, GROWN UP stuff to do instead. Like preparing my thesis workshop which is next Saturday. Or preparing for my two-day therapeutic yoga orientation which starts this evening. An apprenticeship I am simultaneously looking forward to and also wanting to just be over and done with. I’ve noticed that anytime I jump into something with that kind of apprehension (teacher training*cough) it ends up being an amazing experience. So I’m sure this will be the same. Still nervous, though.

I had acupuncture on Monday and that was OK. I didn’t do anything Tuesday but get my ass kicked by that game. OH I almost forgot. I got to be super, super, super annoyed by Disney! I KNOW RIGHT? But the balance was coming due for our February Disney World trip and I just wanted to pay it. Online, it said “If your billing address is different from what we have on file, Disney will reject your payment! HEEHEEE!” So I called and the line was busy. I left a message but I missed the callback. Fortunately, they left ME a message and told me that my account was notated and an online payment would be fine. So I did that and got the confirmation that all was well. But I was already so frustrated that I couldn’t even be happy that Disney was signed, sealed, and delivered and now all that’s left is the waiting. I tried to go ahead and make the rest of our dining reservations and also add the ones we already had to the My Disney online thingy. BUT THEIR SITE WAS NOT ACTING RIGHT. Server kept getting overloaded, site kept crashing. THEN I checked further details on one reservation and at the bottom, in big block letters were the words:

YOUR RESERVATION HAS BEEN CANCELLED.

What the fresh, everlasting hell??? I did NOT cancel anything so what was going on? So we finally called and got it all straightened out and also got my other reservations made. See, as much as I used to love the phone when I was a teenager, I really don’t like it now. I’d much rather do it online and not have to talk to anyone. I don’t even like ordering food on the phone.

On Wednesday I saw my doctor and that was OK. She’s really a great doctor. Wonderful bedside manner, friendly, and warm. Gives the impression that she really cares about her patients. I’ve been seeing her since 2008; followed her through three different offices. Now she has her own practice.

At the doctor, I got blood drawn and got a flu shot. My blood sugar plummeted and my bladder filled to bursting (I needed to drink a lot of water to get my veins popping for the blood draw.) The traffic had built up and the lights were being obnoxious and I had to PEE. That is NO FUN. To have to pee like that and to be stuck? THEN we finally got to a Target (where I needed to shop anyway) and the restroom was CLOSED. I just threw my hands up. But then I went back and the maintenance guy waved me in, so I guess he was just waiting for the poopy people in there to get out before he went in to clean. So even though I had to smell those random poopy people, I didn’t care. I just had to peeeeee.

We had a tasty dinner at Arturo’s, then I came home and went to bed pretty much right away. I spent basically all day yesterday sleeping, all night sleeping, and could crawl back into bed right now. But I won’t because I need to clean my room. I still haven’t unpacked from my trip to see Mommy over Christmas.

I am frustrated because I’m so tired of being cold. I lost my Foursquare mayorships at BOTH Moksha Yoga Studios because I’m so tired of going outside and feeling like the cold is stabbing me like knives. It’s NOT EVEN THAT COLD. It’s 49F outside right now but the mere thought of going out there makes me want to crawl back into bed because I know it’s going to be miserable for me. If I don’t have to go anywhere, I don’t. I stay home and huddle under the electric blanket or throw, trying to keep warm.

But I know that things aren’t terrible for me. My mind knows this, logically. I mean, I’m whining because I’m having trouble on a level in a Wii game for God’s sake. And the week wasn’t all bad. I got Aidan a little Valentine’s Day surprise which I think he’ll like. Arturo’s was SO good and they put fresh avocado on my tostado which is nice because I was craving fresh avocado. I got to eat at Pops, which is something that takes the sting out of taking Aidan to the airport, as that’s our treat when we do have to take him. The lady at the ticketing counter let Adam go with Aidan and me to the gate which rarely happens anymore. And as I said, Aidan was in a good mood when he got on the plane.

I got really cool new socks and arm warmers, and I’m expecting some AMAZING leggings in the mail. I also got a check today. I just caught up with an old yogi friend and we’re going to have brunch on Monday. Adam put gas in the car so I can drive up to the other Moksha Yoga later this evening for orientation which PRAISES BE TO BABY JESUS will include a yoga practice. I got two new pairs of boots for under $60 total and they were delivered today. And I’ll get to see some teacher trainee classmates who I haven’t seen in more than a month.

*Sigh* Now I feel better. My meds have finally kicked in, and I’m feeling more mellow overall.

Sometimes, a girl just has to vent. A girl also has to keep up with her medication or she’ll be a hot mess otherwise. Oh well. C’est la vie.

LinkedIn Depresses Me

I Can Haz Kitty

Have you ever felt like you are just… not as accomplished as you should be? I mean, you all know how I feel about all this “grown-up” business, but honestly, I often wonder why I just can’t be NORMAL. Why can’t I be happy with getting up five+ days a week, going into an office, coming home, eating dinner, watching TV, and sleeping? People do it every day! And they’re OK with it. The long commute. The lunch break that always goes too quickly. Why can’t I just be satisfied with–or at least resigned to–that sort of life? It’s like, what is wrong with me?

Yesterday, I worked in an office for the first time since November. It was just a one day gig, but could have led to more.

It didn’t go all that well. I was not on top of my game and they were not big with the patience. I mean, part of it was me. I just wasn’t on top of my game. I hate to admit that, but there you go. But part of it was their expectation that someone should walk in off the street, be given five minutes of training, and do everything perfectly. That kind of pressure? It screws me up. But that’s how it is in Chicago. No one has time for training or learning curves. You have to be able to hit the ground RUNNING. It’s super cutthroat. And it does nothing for my self-esteem when I am just not there.

And I say to myself:
You are 37 years old.
Why AREN’T you there yet?
You loser.

You know how people get depressed when they’re surfing Facebook and they see everyone else’s fabulous life? I’m like that with LinkedIn. I get that nifty little email in my inbox with all the updates; everyone’s promotions and new positions and whatnot. Or I’m just browsing and looking at people’s profiles! Everyone’s so accomplished. Or they’ve been in the same company for eleventy-billion years and have gotten a promotion every five years or so just like they’re supposed to. People my age and younger are managers, executies, directors. I don’t feel so bad about that, per se. I think I feel bad because even if I wanted a title like that, I’d never qualify for one. And then I start to feel pathetic.

Because why DON’T I have an established career or job? Why do I just kind of float through life in a way that I have to constantly remind myself to be present, to be intentional, to make it count?

It should not be this hard! Why is it so hard?

deep breath

OK. It’s obvious that I’m freaking out a little bit.
It’s just that…
I have a big decision to make, and this decision is making me super nervous.
It’ll be a big time commitment and financial investment.
The support from my friends and family has been amazing.
I’m still scared.
I’m starting to learn that the easiest choice is not always the right one,
and that the scary choice is usually the one that will take me on an amazing journey.
It will show me things that I’ve never thought possible.
It will push me farther than I’ve ever gone.
It will change my life in a very good way.

Adam and I kind of live by the philosophy Jump, and a net will appear.

So, I think I’m going to do it. I’m going to jump.
oh my god.
Details soon.


Linking up with:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...