Month: June 2005

Not Really a Point.

/ life, ronni

Squash the urge to splurge — in fact, pinch every penny. Make a cup of coffee at home instead of spending a couple bucks on a latte, and bank your spare change. A bigger, better cause is en route.

BAHAHAHA!! I have to laugh at the 2nd one because it’s SO TRUE!!! Well, I hope the bigger, better cause thing is true. But I do need to pinch pennies. No fun, but temporary.

Okay, WOW. Um, I think I saw the most pimped out semi-tractor ever. It had all these funky lights on it, and the back said ‘DR. FEELGOOD.’ So, why was the first thought that ran through my head: “Mental note. NEVER get into that truck while hitchhiking.” Um.. okay.

I feel a little bit better today. I don’t know. It’s like weather and climate. My emotional weather is mostly cloudy. My emotional climate is cloudy with a 50% chance of rain (that would be tears). I feel that way overall, but my emotional weather changes moment by moment. God, I hope I can snap out of this soon. It’s SUMMER for banana’s sake!

Time is not running out as quickly as I anticipated on a certain thing (YAY). I feel a burden lift there. Seems like I have something booked all the time and it’s frustrating sometimes. I need to figure out a balance and also what I want. When I’m alone, I want friends. When I am busy, I want to be alone. I need to make up my mind or something. Ack.

I had a lot of stuff to write, but it’s escaping me now. So I think I shall mosey on off to bed. G’night.

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WHINING AND COMPLAINING and maybe a few good things too.

/ ronni, sad

I’ve been debating about writing for the past 30 minutes or so. As you can see, I went ahead and broke down, eh?

Today was a meh day.

Ever since the trip to the Smoky Mountains, I’ve been down. My counselor and Chris both say that I’ve been setback. I know why, too. 🙁 Today in counseling, she told me that I’m in an extremely sensitive time now (as if I needed more of that!) and that I have to take care of myself. I know I haven’t been. I’ve been kicking myself lately. A lot.

I’ve been eating too much and I am getting fat. I swear, I look at least five months pregnant. Not good and must be alleviated NOW. Problem is that I can’t stop eating. It’s almost complusive. How can I go from starving myself to constant pigging out? It’s disgusting.

My half birthday was yesterday. How depressing. I’m freewheeling down that road and I don’t like it at all.

I am finding myself not trusting people I once thought very highly of. I’m expecting the worst of them and as a result, I’ve been distancing myself. Not sure what that’s supposed to accomplish but there you go. It’s not like they’re knocking down the door to talk to me, so yeah. I feel a bit lonely and rejected which is typical. I’m sure it’s no big deal, but you know me.

Unexpected events can create more intensity and drama in relationships than you expected. But don’t let this stop you from fully engaging, for the more you try to avoid the issues, the crazier things will get. Beneath the surface, there are profound realizations to be had. If you move toward the uncertainties now, it will be much easier for you down the road.

I keep feeling like no one cares. I feel like people would rather me not be around, that I am annoying, a bother, a drama-queen that everyone puts up with because they don’t have the heart to tell me the truth which is ‘GET THE F— AWAY FROM ME YOU ANNOYING LITTLE TWIT’ ’cause they know it’ll make me cry. I feel like I’ll never be good enough for some. They always want more. Work always wants more, more, more. Mothers always want more, more, more. Church wants me to be even more Christian. I feel overwhelmed, and yet, I feel incredibly lonely, used, and unloved. I specifically used the word FEELING because my mind knows better. The logical part of me knows better and urges that sensitive, emotional side of me to look at the real picture, and not the dark dreary one my heart continues to relish in.

Too bad I’m not quite sure of what the real picture is anymore. I feel like I’m looking at the world through a grey haze.

I had a nightmare this morning. In it, I overreacted to something that was really none of my business. Not the first time, not exactly dream-behaviour as I am ashamed to say that I’ve been known to react that way in certain real-life situations as well. *sigh*

Wake up and face me
Don’t play dead, cause maybe
Someday I will walk away and say
You fuckin’ disappoint me
Maybe we’re better off this way

My allergies are bothering me. My eyes are itching like crazy.

I’m supposed to take Aidan to get his pictures tomorrow but I can’t find the pink slip of paper to give the photographer. So I might skip out and save the $7.50.

My Disney Photopass pictures have expired and I never did get a chance to order a print of Aidan kissing The Little Mermaid. At least I have a lo-res version saved on my harddrive, though.

I have a feeling time is running out on a certain thing but no one cares enough to tell me. I’m scared to ask, because what if they ignore my questions? Then what?

Ack. What is wrong with me? Today, Chris said “She’s broken again!”

Broken. I’m broken. Again. 🙁

It’s amazing what one weekend can do to destroy years of hard work and building one’s self up. Do I even have the energy/drive/motivation to try again?

I need to focus on my writing. Maybe I can make at least one of my dreams come true.

Okay, it’s time for some non-complaining stuff.

– When I went to my counselor, I found a parking meter with 2.5 hours left on it. 🙂 This was cool seeing as last week, I was short on change and only had enough for 40 minutes. My sessions last an hour. I was praying that I wouldn’t get a parking ticket–and I didn’t! 🙂
– I had McDonalds for lunch. The cherry pies were hot and yummy and NOT BURNED!
– Traffic wasn’t too horrible.
– I decided to sign up for a cool writing course.
– Payday is in about an hour and a half.

I have six emails to answer. Not bad, huh? I’ve been doing an okay job of managing them, I think.

Working on my writing. Working, working, working.
Eating like a pig. Eating, eating, eating.

One of those must stop. NOW.

*Sigh* I don’t know what I need or want anymore. Spiritually, I mean. Oh my, not even going to go there tonight. It’s way too late and way too involved for me to even start. Especially with my icky itchy watery eyes.

I should go to bed. I have to get gas in the morning which means I have to leave a bit early. Oh God. I’m going to eat like a pig tomorrow, I know it. 🙁 Lord, help me control myself.

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What Is This Feeling?

/ writing

My friend swankivy posted something along the lines of that as writers, we’re pretty much masochists. I am doing some thinking and it’s true.

There are people out there who completely disrespect what writers do. They think it’s stupid, a waste of time. I am not sure where their opinions are founded, for writers influence every aspect of their lives. Whether it’s the instruction manual they are using for their hairdryers or the movies they watch in the theatre or on Lifetime Television for Women or those songs they listen to on the radio, writers and writing is everywhere.

Many people think that writing is easy.

Writing is not easy!

For me, writing is like bleeding onto the keyboard and/or computer screen. It drains my emotions, it makes me crazy and moody and a bit psychotic if you ask me. And yet, I cannot stop doing it. I love it and I hate it too. It’s like a compulsion, a drive that I cannot control. And I LOVE every second of it.

Writing. Then rewriting. Editing. Proofreading. I can’t wait to get home every evening, bust out my laptop and let my imagination run wild. I love those times when everything clicks and the fingers are flying over the keyboard and I’ve relaxed and I can’t stop even if I want to.

It’s joy. So much joy. I am scared of it, but I will keep on.

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