**disclaimer**
This not directed at any particular person or situation, but is a general observation of my life, things I’m realizing, and things I need to change for my sake.

Unspoken Expectations. They trip so many people up. I am the victim of them, I have been the perpretrator of them. I *am* the perpetrator of them.

When someone has expectations of someone else (and we all do, admit it), they are inevitably, at some point, going to get let down. Because people are human and they’re going to screw up. That’s just how we are. Everyone has a threshold of how much disappointment they can take, how many times they will forgive before letting go and moving on. Some people may just hold the hurt in, letting the resentment build before something small sets them off. < --I'm guilty of that one! Others have this amazing ability to let everything roll off of their backs because they have expect so little of others. And some get hurt very, very deeply by the smallest things because their expectations are so high. <--Guilty of that one too. I'm trying to find the happy medium between the "no expectations" thing and the "way too high expectations" thing. I'm tired of being hurt over things that are probably not big deals and definitely no one's intention to be rude or disrespectful. I probably don't have a right to expect anything from anyone if I don't communicate things to those people. I do get hurt every single time, though, and I know it's only my fault. Unfortunately, a lot of damage has been done and I'm quite used to being let down. That doesn't mean it hurts any less, even when I know it's my fault. But I'm used to it, yes. I've heard too much silence in the midst of my crying out too many times not to be used to it. It's really surprising to me when someone goes the extra mile for me--it's really great and I am eternally grateful. Even when someone goes an inch for me. The smallest things can cheer me up. A stranger holding a door for me, a smile and a hug from a baby, getting a random card in the mail. Or even something really simple like a txt message or an IM. Often I feel guilty because I want to do so much for people but never seem to have the time or money to do what I want. I want to spend hours with my friends for days and days--I want to give them all special gifts, I want to connect to people all the time, but real life trumps that. I work all day (and update my LJ on breaks), do errands after work til about 730ish, then there is Aidan to tend to. And family. So I have to pick and choose. Unfortunately, those that are more aggressive about contacting me have a better chance to getting with me for lots of reasons: 1. Fear of rejection. 2. Methods. I'm not a "call someone 'let's go do something'" kind of girl. I'm a "let's exchange some emails or txt messages or IMs, make some plans and meet somewhere in a few days" kind of a girl. 3. Past experiences. 4. INSECURITY. 5. I'm definitely more of a reactor than an actor. For example, if someone calls me, I'll try to get back to him or her as soon as I can (usually through email rather than a phone call, though). But I very rarely call. I can barely bring myself to call and order a darn pizza. I used to love phones back in the day--now the ringing kind of grates on my nerves (thanks to the telemarketing boom back in the day. Okay, who am I kidding? It was all those darn bill collectors back in 1997. Because of that stage in my life, I've gone off phones quite a lot.) 6. I can be plain ole forgetful, so honestly, if it's not sitting in my inbox and definitely if it's not in my planner, I'm probably not going to remember. Nothing personal, I just need things to be in writing for me to get it. 7. Focus. Even though I have the ability to multi-task, I do much better when I have one thing to focus on at a time. Which sucks because sometimes other things suffer because of that. I am a perpetually guilty, kind of flaky, more-than-slightly scatterbrained girl who is not always going to do things right. This girl doesn't always know what's expected of her. And because of that, she seems to let people down left and right even when she has no idea that she's doing so. And that breaks her heart. She hates to hurt people (well, unless they've hurt her first but we're not even going to go there...) How many times have I been "burned" at work because a boss wanted me to do something or especially BE a certain way but never communicated it to me? Or worse, the expectations changed but I wasn't made aware of it. How many times have I felt deeply offended because I invited someone somewhere and never got a response; but maybe I didn't ask for a response and I didn't ask for one in a specified time frame? And I've lost count of the times I felt like my opinions and efforts were worthless because I sent along an article or a link or something that I thought someone would be interested in only to never hear a peep from that person. I never told anyone that's what I wanted. I NEED to be acknowledged. It's a character flaw, but it's MY character flaw. It's been there all my life. I'm not perfect. I like to do things for people, but I also like for them to say something to me about it. Even if I do get embarrassed when (some) people gush, I make a mental note to do even more special things for that person because I know that person appreciates my efforts. It's truly a joy to make someone else happy. Because of that, I need to know how I affect you. I need to know if the little things I’m doing are making you feel loved. Because if they aren’t, then I’m wasting time and resources and that isn’t fair to either of us.

But you know what? Maybe even when expectations have been communicated, we have to realize that people are still going to screw up. We’re going to get tired. We’re going to get busy. We’re going to get stressed, sick, hurt. We’re going to get confused and not know the right things to say. But as a Christian, I am kind of called to turn the other cheek a lot, a lot. So I try to. And yet, I feel like if *I* do any of those things listed above, then I’m perpetually evil and a bad person, that I don’t deserve friends, my job, any good things. Flawed thinking perhaps because I am extra, extra hard on myself. Or maybe it is the truth. I don’t know anymore.

My Expectations

I can’t seem to dip below ten emails that need attention in my AOL mailbox. Everytime I clear one away, two or three more pop up in its place! So, I’m a little bit behind. Megan and Ashlee, forgive me! You’re flagged for follow-up.

I’m exhausted. Emotionally and physically. Anger is a pretty intense emotion. I’m not a fan of feeling it. I think I’m most comfortable somewhere between sad and really effing depressed, with a little anxiety/stress thrown in. And happiness. Ay yi yi. Feeling true happiness is so strange for me.

Counseling today was mostly EMDR. My thoughts go kind of crazy during EMDR. Emotions and thoughts are all over the place. It’s draining but was fun during the “think of things that make Ronni happy” part.

My throat is not happy. It’s kind of scratchy. I could go for a long sleep, but I have sort of a long evening ahead. I’m considering not even stopping at home; if I go there, I’m not leaving! And I have Grove stuff to do tonight.

Have you ever wondered…